Mmmm. I really like this piece, Joshua. I love the way it honors your grandpa and hold space for multiple “truths” and beliefs.
I too have been … is flummoxed the right word? Certainly saddened by a funeral being used to propagandize faith. Its loss. It’s grief. That’s universal.
The observation about all the death going around vs. Easter greetings is a fascinating one. What I think gets lost in the pain, however, is that while personal losses are one thing - and a terrible thing at that; I am no less a stranger to it than the aforementioned Substackers - avoiding a society centered around grief is a lesson I don't think Americans have yet learned. It's very different in the Old World. Which is why, when you go to conflict-ridden (or traditionally conflict-ridden) places like Poland or Lebanon, people have a healthy relationship with both life and death and travelers are surprised - even shocked - to find happy people enjoying every moment, rather than a depressed and nihilistic populace. Both, incidentally, are very Christian places, one Catholic and the other a mix of Maronite, Greek Catholic, etc. (I hear Muslims are now a majority in Lebanon, although the travelers must have been referring to both demographics equally) It's not that the grief is any less raw in those places: in fact, its macro effect upon society amplifies it beyond the mere personal. It's that life is a gift and life must be lived that way. And Easter symbolizes that both in its correspondence with the reproductive symbolism of Spring and in Christ's resurrection. A society fixated on death is an unhealthy one, however real the pain may be. This is powerful symbolism the Easter bunny cannot hope to supplant in a thousand years.
With all the death going around, I think there are very few people who don't feel pain right now, especially after covid. Americans haven't experienced a collective wave of death like this in a long time. And since Evangelicals aren't big fans of guys like me, I don't take huge pleasure in defending them: I don't even know a ton about them, except that very few know how to be objective, empathetic and/or both when talking about them. So it doesn't surprise me if they are an insensitive lot. But I have to make that clarification about Easter because if non-believers take offense at Easter joy, it is offense taken and not offense given. Quite the opposite, actually. And that is not the problem of Christians, any more than it would be Jewish people's problem if they wished me a Happy Hanukkah. In fact, I am most happy if they say that to me, a Gentile and former Old World neighbor.
What you wrote about others in the family not being ready for your death is beautiful too, and one of the most poignant things I've read on Substack so far. That has become a lot more apparent to me now that I am becoming a father. (By the way, hope I expressed everything here with sensitivity: tact has never been my strong suit :P )
Thank you, Felix. I would need to think on this longer to know what I think about America as death-obsessed. My feeling is that Americans avoid thinking or speaking about mortality, and that there is a kind of compartmentalization of culture here that enables that avoidance. It is rather odd, too, that real grief is a new concept to me, since my grandparents and parents married young. And so there were few losses before age 45 that cut to my core in the same way.
Easter is a fascinating holiday, particularly with its pagan roots. A whole separate subject. As with my friend Steve's favorite hymn, I am comfortable enough celebrating a more figurative kind of rebirth in the Easter season as a gardener. It is mainly the turn toward proselytizing -- the missionary impulse at the heart of evangelical Christianity -- that creates the stark insider/outsider dynamics.
My sense is that religion in the Old World has enough of a nationalistic flavor that it overlaps in a sense with being Czech or Ukrainian. This is a really thoughtful point: "It's not that the grief is any less raw in those places: in fact, its macro effect upon society amplifies it beyond the mere personal. It's that life is a gift and life must be lived that way." And in an ironic way, I think that is what Sherman Alexie was saying in today's Friday discussion about how laughter and sadness are woven together in his indigenous community's ceremonies.
And, yes, there is nothing like the birth of your first child to bring mortality into focus! Though hopefully with more of that celebratory note that you describe.
I think as nuanced of a topic as it is, I would agree with your analysis. For my dad, from Poland, it was a huge culture shock to find that many Americans bury their dead and then never go back to the cemetery. Slavic peoples have strong traditions of tending to gravestones, and would relate strongly to the Blind Lemon Jefferson song "See That My Grave Is Kept Clean." If I recall from your article about going to Moravia, you took note of the differences between cemeteries. It's apples and oranges, to put it mildly.
1. Thank you for mentioning my stack and my piece about my father.
2. I’m sorry for your losses.
3. Love the beer by grandpa at 15, and the Jesus hook belt buckle.
4. I think you’re right: Promoting religious fear in the case of someone’s passing seems...wrong?
5. Interesting note about my father, who has very little time left. In the hospital the other day I said to my dad, Are you scared? He said no. Then he volunteered, ‘And I don’t buy into any of that fairy tale afterlife stuff.’ I nodded. I understood. I’m the same. And yet I’m also spiritual. Deep down inside something tells me my father is too. Religious? No. But there’s something deeper.
Thanks Michael. I confess that I have no sense of anything beyond this life, other than the general sense of matter being perpetually reassembled. And tales of the afterlife seem like more elaborate versions of Santa and the Easter Bunny. But I’m not trying to convince anyone of that. Your #4 is my main point. A service could still be 100% religious and avoid isolating non-believers in that way.
Mmmm. I really like this piece, Joshua. I love the way it honors your grandpa and hold space for multiple “truths” and beliefs.
I too have been … is flummoxed the right word? Certainly saddened by a funeral being used to propagandize faith. Its loss. It’s grief. That’s universal.
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for reading, Holly!
The observation about all the death going around vs. Easter greetings is a fascinating one. What I think gets lost in the pain, however, is that while personal losses are one thing - and a terrible thing at that; I am no less a stranger to it than the aforementioned Substackers - avoiding a society centered around grief is a lesson I don't think Americans have yet learned. It's very different in the Old World. Which is why, when you go to conflict-ridden (or traditionally conflict-ridden) places like Poland or Lebanon, people have a healthy relationship with both life and death and travelers are surprised - even shocked - to find happy people enjoying every moment, rather than a depressed and nihilistic populace. Both, incidentally, are very Christian places, one Catholic and the other a mix of Maronite, Greek Catholic, etc. (I hear Muslims are now a majority in Lebanon, although the travelers must have been referring to both demographics equally) It's not that the grief is any less raw in those places: in fact, its macro effect upon society amplifies it beyond the mere personal. It's that life is a gift and life must be lived that way. And Easter symbolizes that both in its correspondence with the reproductive symbolism of Spring and in Christ's resurrection. A society fixated on death is an unhealthy one, however real the pain may be. This is powerful symbolism the Easter bunny cannot hope to supplant in a thousand years.
With all the death going around, I think there are very few people who don't feel pain right now, especially after covid. Americans haven't experienced a collective wave of death like this in a long time. And since Evangelicals aren't big fans of guys like me, I don't take huge pleasure in defending them: I don't even know a ton about them, except that very few know how to be objective, empathetic and/or both when talking about them. So it doesn't surprise me if they are an insensitive lot. But I have to make that clarification about Easter because if non-believers take offense at Easter joy, it is offense taken and not offense given. Quite the opposite, actually. And that is not the problem of Christians, any more than it would be Jewish people's problem if they wished me a Happy Hanukkah. In fact, I am most happy if they say that to me, a Gentile and former Old World neighbor.
What you wrote about others in the family not being ready for your death is beautiful too, and one of the most poignant things I've read on Substack so far. That has become a lot more apparent to me now that I am becoming a father. (By the way, hope I expressed everything here with sensitivity: tact has never been my strong suit :P )
Thank you, Felix. I would need to think on this longer to know what I think about America as death-obsessed. My feeling is that Americans avoid thinking or speaking about mortality, and that there is a kind of compartmentalization of culture here that enables that avoidance. It is rather odd, too, that real grief is a new concept to me, since my grandparents and parents married young. And so there were few losses before age 45 that cut to my core in the same way.
Easter is a fascinating holiday, particularly with its pagan roots. A whole separate subject. As with my friend Steve's favorite hymn, I am comfortable enough celebrating a more figurative kind of rebirth in the Easter season as a gardener. It is mainly the turn toward proselytizing -- the missionary impulse at the heart of evangelical Christianity -- that creates the stark insider/outsider dynamics.
My sense is that religion in the Old World has enough of a nationalistic flavor that it overlaps in a sense with being Czech or Ukrainian. This is a really thoughtful point: "It's not that the grief is any less raw in those places: in fact, its macro effect upon society amplifies it beyond the mere personal. It's that life is a gift and life must be lived that way." And in an ironic way, I think that is what Sherman Alexie was saying in today's Friday discussion about how laughter and sadness are woven together in his indigenous community's ceremonies.
And, yes, there is nothing like the birth of your first child to bring mortality into focus! Though hopefully with more of that celebratory note that you describe.
I think as nuanced of a topic as it is, I would agree with your analysis. For my dad, from Poland, it was a huge culture shock to find that many Americans bury their dead and then never go back to the cemetery. Slavic peoples have strong traditions of tending to gravestones, and would relate strongly to the Blind Lemon Jefferson song "See That My Grave Is Kept Clean." If I recall from your article about going to Moravia, you took note of the differences between cemeteries. It's apples and oranges, to put it mildly.
On the topic of gardeners, you must add the Karel Capek book The Gardeners Year to your reading list. Actually, it looks like a new translation is coming out soon: https://www.amazon.com/Gardeners-Year-Karel-Capek/dp/1529096243/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+gardeners+year+karel+capek&s=books&sr=1-1
I should have kept my copy, it had an introduction from Johathan Pollan and is now out of print.
Super, eloquent. Thank you for the mention and the link.
Excellent piece.
1. Thank you for mentioning my stack and my piece about my father.
2. I’m sorry for your losses.
3. Love the beer by grandpa at 15, and the Jesus hook belt buckle.
4. I think you’re right: Promoting religious fear in the case of someone’s passing seems...wrong?
5. Interesting note about my father, who has very little time left. In the hospital the other day I said to my dad, Are you scared? He said no. Then he volunteered, ‘And I don’t buy into any of that fairy tale afterlife stuff.’ I nodded. I understood. I’m the same. And yet I’m also spiritual. Deep down inside something tells me my father is too. Religious? No. But there’s something deeper.
Thanks for the thoughtful essay.
Michael Mohr
‘Sincere American Writing’
https://michaelmohr.substack.com/
Thanks Michael. I confess that I have no sense of anything beyond this life, other than the general sense of matter being perpetually reassembled. And tales of the afterlife seem like more elaborate versions of Santa and the Easter Bunny. But I’m not trying to convince anyone of that. Your #4 is my main point. A service could still be 100% religious and avoid isolating non-believers in that way.